How To Practice Compassion In Relationships.
A couple asked me recently what the Buddhist view is on marriage.
They were planning their wedding and in the process of writing their
vows. I don’t know what the Buddha would have said, but what occurred to
me in that moment was how committing to loving one person for the rest
of your life is taking compassion practice to a whole new level. In the
Buddhist teachings there are many guidelines and methods to help us
become more compassionate people. When we apply these practices in the
space of intimacy, with the person who triggers us, drives us crazy,
irritates, and bores us–the person we are closest to–we begin to walk
our spiritual talk.
Compassion has three aspects, a feeling of warmth, a sense of
openness, and a pervading wisdom that sees through the illusion of
separateness and duality. The general guidelines for practicing
compassion suggest cultivating a quality of energy, inspiration, and
motivation as well as a sense of lightness, ease, and gentleness. We are
careful not to become aggressive or self centered in our efforts to be
more compassionate.
Before you get started, remember that to genuinely be
compassionate to another, you must begin by extending that kindness to
yourself. By appreciating and understanding how we get stuck, we can
naturally extend that awareness when our loved ones act crazy. The most
important point here is to accept people as they are. Putting your
energy into trying to change someone, even subtly attempting to shape
their behavior, backfires over time because there is always this feeling
that love is conditional.
One of my mentors said that there are three requirements to making
relationships work. 1) Both people are “into” each other, there is some
attraction, energy, or juiciness that keeps them connected. 2) Both
people must be willing to work with what comes up for them as
individuals in the context of intimacy and 3) Both people must be
willing to work with what comes up specifically in relation to each
other.
The Buddhist tradition presents compassion in action as the six
paramitas or transcendental virtues. These compassion practices are best
worked with slowly over time, starting with small steps such as subtly
shifting the trajectory of current patters, whether it be one thought,
one action–whatever you can do that is genuinely selfless. You
are doing it for the simple reason of being kind, and there is no agenda
that your partner will change, the relationship will improve, or you
get points for being “good.” That’s not what this is about. This is
about using everything in your life as a means to open your heart
further.
Generosity
Generosity is centered upon selfless motivation. You give up any
notion of who is giving, what is being given, and who is receiving. You
just give without any attachment or fixation to what happens next. We
have some idea of the small things that make people happy. Therefore,
you might spontaneously clean up your clutter in the living room, cook a
special meal, plan a nice evening out, take care of the nitty gritty
small stuff. Other ways to give spontaneously are sharing appreciative
statements, compliments, and expressions of affection.
Generosity can also be about giving up our need to be right. Because
we are offering up our egos, we can also let go of beliefs about the way
things should be. We can give up doing things our way,
winning arguments, and knowing what’s best. This is generosity practice
because our ego-centered beliefs are what we hold most sacred,
especially those of the spiritual kind. The other aspect of generosity
is protection from fear, which means listening when your partner is
struggling at work, has health concerns, or financial worries. Don’t
problem solve. Just listen and gently ask how you can be helpful.
Discipline
Discipline has to do with bringing mindfulness and awareness to all
of your actions of body, speech, and mind. This means slowing down the
momentum of our reactivity. We may already be skilled at mindfulness of
body (we don’t sock our partners when they irritate us), but we can now
begin to work with slowing down the momentum of our speech (holding back
our judgements, criticisms, nagging, and venting). The more we practice
mindfulness and awareness in every day life, the more we can trust
ourselves without second guessing what we say and do. We don’t need to
call up our friends to have them validate us. We simply trust ourselves
and become curious when what we say and do causes conflict. We don’t
have an ego to defend so we don’t need everyone on our side.
Patience
The meaning of patience here has to do with not reacting
impulsively when our partners misbehave, get angry with us, or shut
down. This means that we learn to work with our emotions through
meditation practice and individual therapy. We can’t blame people for
making us feel a certain way. We can learn how to tolerate our emotions.
We can become curious and undefended even when people are making
everything our fault. Just staying open and calm can rapidly de-escalate
fighting and bickering. In relationships there is often disappointment
over getting what we didn’t want and not getting what we wanted. We can
have these feelings without taking them too seriously or personally.
Patience also means tolerating our feelings when we try earnestly to
help someone and they don’t accept it or get better according to our
ideas about what’s good for them. An example of this kind of patience is
listening to our partner’s frustrations without being their job or
fitness coach, nutritionist, therapist, or psychic. Just let them be and
listen with an open heart. People don’t like being told what to do to
improve. It has the result of affirming the part of them that is already
feeling inadequate. Ask them if they want concrete suggestions or if
they just need a hug.
Patience is also practiced when people have wronged us and we feel so
much resentment that we cannot forgive them. People often ask me how to
let go of the anger and resentment that has built up over time. When I
sit with that question and reflect on the anger and resentment in my own
heart, I come back to the hurt that gave rise to the anger. When I sit
with the hurt, I see that the hurt is there because of how deeply I
loved. When I connect with the love that was behind the hurt, anger, and
resentment, I can begin to let go of the whole thing. Abiding in the
love gives me a sense of space and peace where I can see things from a
wider perspective. At some point it becomes important to let things go
and make space for new things to happen.
Diligence
Diligence or exertion is about working hard, but not in the sense of
self sacrifice, being a martyr, or doing things that you don’t want to
like folding the laundry. Exertion here means taking everything that
happens to the path of dharma. We walk our talk and stop expecting our
relationship to be perfect or to make us feel good. We see the day to
day challenges that we face as our practice and what we’re working with
off the cushion.
Exertion here also means learning to tolerate our feelings without
indulging them or acting them out. It means showing up for couples
therapy with some measure of enthusiasm rather than being late and
sighing while your partner is talking. We see that this whole
relationship thing is helping us open our heart and learn about
ourselves, our partners, and all of humanity. We stay with the struggle
that it takes to work things out. The opposite of diligence here is
laziness. Along with zoning out while your partner is talking, laziness
also includes overworking and staying continually distracted with
activities and projects. Business is another form is laziness.
Meditation
Our commitment to our meditation practice underlies all of our
compassionate activities. It is our time to go within and take care of
our own mind. It is best to practice every day, ideally at the same time
each day, even if just for ten or twenty minutes. Connecting in with
our innate wakefulness and inner vision helps us maintain a perspective
that nourishes and regenerates our mind. Sometimes it helps to take ten
minutes to calm down when you come home from work, just enough to
transition and let the day go. Meditation is about the willingness to
stay with our practice of mindfulness and awareness no matter what is
happening around us. We take everything to the path of dharma by making
space for our practice. Otherwise, we’ll get lost or burned out along
the way.
Transcendental Knowledge
Here is where our dharma study in the nature of selflessness becomes
key. How we show up for our partner is how we show up for ourselves,
there is no difference. The more we can integrate this concept into our
living and felt experience, we will see how so much of our struggle is
for nothing. The teachings become very personal here as we see how they
apply to everything happening in our life.
Finally, in your efforts to be more compassionate, be careful about
mistaking “idiot compassion” for compassion. Being open does not mean we
have no boundaries. Our openness affords us both clarity and panoramic
awareness which helps us discern what would be most skillful. We know
what to do and say in the moment. Sometimes we need to say the thing
that no one wants to hear, or be the one to point at the elephant in the
room, or call people on their stuff. It doesn’t serve anyone to go
unconscious when things get hard. In these situations, the harmony
created is a false harmony where the real issues get swept under the
rug. This is a conflict avoiding, fear-based, relational style which
only leads to furthering distance and infidelities where partners go
outside of the relationship to get their needs met. Real compassion is
to speak to what you see going on while staying connected to your heart.
It is about clear seeing joined with warmth and kindness. This kind of
love is what heals and brings intimacy to a deeper level.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
The Need
To yell, FUCK YOU!" I mean seriously?! You phone dies so you spend the entire workday trying to get it fixed then come home and without so much as a "here is what's up" you spend 20+ minutes logging in to your tablet to do God knows what. Seriously? ??? WTF???
30 Days of Thankful
1. Person
My sister. She is not only a dear friend, but someone who makes me laugh, frustrates me, inspires me. I am proud of her and her life.
2. Animal
Leo. I miss him terribly; my heart is full of sadness but I know letting him go one month ago today was the best for him.
3. Cozy Place
My father's living room. A place where we come together every Sunday to share a meal, engage in a variety of conversations and watch "Death in Paradise", "The Walking Dead" or even "Father Brown". And don't forget Brown Town. ;)
4. Favorite Snack
I do love cheese. And crunchy apples. They both make me so very happy.
5. Place
Seaside, Oregon. I love this place. I begin to shut-out the rest of the world and refocus myself, re-balance. It is a place of comfort. I love the ocean.
6. Pair of Shoes
Slippers. I am thankful for slippers when my feet are tired or cold. Or just to bring a bit of comfort.
7. Scent
Clean laundry. Fall leaves. First summer rain. Homemade bread. Snow. The ocean. Campfires.
8. Restaurant
Norma's. Pau Pau's.
9. Blog/Website
Elephant Journal. I find inspirational essays, photos and ideas.
10. Time of Day
Early morning when the sun is just coming up and also evening as the sun is setting. The colors are beautiful and it seems as if the earth is taking a deep breath.
11. Tradition
Seaside. We spend a week at a little house by the ocean. While parts of it stress me out, something about the ocean centers me.
12. Gadget
Orange can opener. WOW! It works like a dream. I love to use canned tomatoes and beans during the winter and it works brilliantly.
13. Something Old
My father. HA! I am thankful he is still with us, and at 72 hope it is for many more years but realistically know that time is now more precious than ever.
14. Something New
Greek God's Greek yogurt. Yogurt held a negative memory for me until I steeped outside of the memory and tried Greek yogurt. So glad I did. I have created a new positive experience and found something I really enjoy.
15. Experience
My job. It has been a challenge, a learning opportunity, a dynamic experience. I have had the chance to travel, meet new people, grow, push myself, become me.
16. Recipe
I don't really use recipes but the idea of of a food item- Sour Cream Apple Pie, Zweibach, Pfeffernusse, mac & cheese. These all come from my family and are in my head and my heart. No recipe needed.
17. Store
There are a few. I like Fred Meyer because it provides me with nourishment for my family as well as clothing if needed. But I also like Target because I can meander the aisles and wander without interruption. Cost Plus out of habit and Trader Joe's because of fun memories.
18. Quote
"Not all who wander are lost." J.R.R. Tolkien
19. Clothing
Socks. I love fuzzy socks, cozy socks, warm socks all year-long. Toes get cold at night, even in the summer and I love to put on a pair of sock.
20. Keepsake
21. Disappointment/Fear
22. Book
23. Feeling
24. Photo
25. Luxury
26. Charity
27. Song
28. Gift
29. Something at home
30. What are you MOST thankful for?
Leo
It has been 24 hours since we let you go and my heart aches in ways I could not imagine. For nearly 11 years you were my sweet Leo. Your floppy ears, your snuffling in the kitchen looking for treats, knocking me with your muzzle so I would give you attention.
I miss you.
I miss you.
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