Home sick

So I have been home sick this week, feeling lousy. Today you come home having stopped at the store for 2 items. In you walk with 7 bags. Are you kidding me? The house is FULL of food and you buy more??

And you have not said two words to me. Not how are you feeling? How is Duke- who threw up 5 times today? Nothing. 

I am so fucking lonely. 

But sadly I really have no desire to talk to you either. 

20 years

Today is the 20th anniversary of our first date. That seems significant. Something you may want to acknowledge.

Sadly, we are not in a great place. We are nowhere really.

You say you love me but you actions scream something completely different.

I admit to being far from perfect and hard to love most days. But hurt people hurt people. And after 15 years of pain, neglect, emotion abuse I just don't have the energy to care.

How do I leave? How do I break away and heal?

Fat, desperate, and needy. That is what my father said to me on my wedding day. I let those words fester in my brain. Coupled with your neglect and disrespect I never stood a chance. 

I am scared of you. You have never hit me, that would mean you have to touch me. But your anger seethes just below the surface and I cannot do it anymore. The slamming of items, the hitting the dogs, the silent treatment. 

You claim to be tired and go to bed. Shut the door and when I come in a short while later you are on your phone. You turn it off the roll over and go to sleep. Who lies every night? Actually, why lie?

I really want to be loved completely. To be safe. To be cared for.

Don't bother asking.

You think you are being husband of the year when you ask, " how was your day?" 

Yet, when I respond with no energy "meh". And your response is to walk away don't bother asking. You obviously don't care about the answer or me.