Flipped switch

I am completely and utterly bewildered how we go from ok, even fine, to raging anger. From sitting on the couch and by the time you walk to the kitchen you are slamming dishes, doors, angry sighing; completely passive aggressive.
And I don't know why. Let the dogs out to bathroom before bed. You also went to the bathroom. And then slam, bang, asshole.
I am so tired of living in fear. Walking on eggshells. Leary of every movement. Not knowing what will set you off this time.
I grew up in an abusive home. Emotionally, psychologically, developmentally. I swore I would not live like this when I grew up.
Now look at me. A fucking victim in my own home; my own life.
And I don't have a clue as to why.
I truly hate feeling so weak. Afraid of every word, every breath.
And I don't know how to fix it.

I share words of wisdom with people about how they should hold out for someone who inspires them, supports them, loves and care la for them. And yet, I have none of that.
Is this what I deserve?  Mother told me I was "jailbait" and men only wanted one thing from me; and that I was brainless. Father and his cousin Dorothy told me I was "fat, desperate, and needy and no one was ever going to love me."
I just want to know why...

Nothing says love..

Like 4 hours on your device. You can't even out it down long enough to eat the dinner I made for you.
PUT DOWN THE DAMN DEVICE!
Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you??
Then you're so tired you go to bed...device in hand. But you cannot do the dishes, all 6 of them.  Too tired.
Oh and another thing...
If you are sick wash your hands, take some meds, do something.
When you use the bathroom... WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS! That is so absolutely disgusting. It's been months, if not years. Wash. Your. Hands. Basic hygiene. I am so disgusted.
Any wonder why our marriage is bleak, rather dead. No desire to be with some one who is dirty and cannot be bothered to even say two words to me. Gotta be on your FUCKING device.
I hope the two of you are happy.

Hold Me

Last night I came to bed later than usual, around 11pm. My usual routine is to read for a while, so I turned out the light at 11:45pm. No sooner had I settled under the covers, laying on my left side with my back to SLY, he reached over and draped his arm over me. What just happened? After nearly 4 1/2 years he reaches over and touches me. My body froze and my heart began racing. I felt nervous and anxious. It took quite a while for me to settle down and fall asleep.
I have always wanted to have someone sleep next to me like this, a simple draped arm.

Tonight while making dinner SLY says last night he had a dream he won the lottery and bought a new truck. He woke up and saw his arm on me. He started laughing. So I asked him if the arm was a "please can I keep it?" He laughed again and said he didnt know, was just surprised to have his arm on me. I told him apparently the only way he would sleep that way is if he wins the dream lottery.
And that was it.
I don't know what to think. Being touched makes me nauseous,  I have a negative physical response to touch. How did I get to this place? That is a post for another day.

Left paw

Trying to teach a dog a trick takes practice and a great deal of patience. He does not understand "left paw" no matter how many times you say it, no matter how angry your tone. When he thinks you are finally playing with him and you storm away angry he does not get it. Throwing his treat away because he didn't do what you want and then ignoring him is childish and pathetic. He does not understand why you are acting this way. Grow up and start acting like a decent human being.

When dreams collide with reality.

Enraged with Duke whining and yipping on the ride to dad's house. It is 3 miles, about 7 minutes.
Halfway there he pulled car over to yell at him.
Four blocks later was so enraged he gripped the wheel with white knuckles, his face turned deep red, almost purple, and he screamed, that silent deadly scream.
He has hit him before. I woke one morning to the sound of his fists hitting him, 17 times that round, screaming "no!" over and over again. Why, because Duke had tiptoed over and got into Bear's food dish. Me? I could care less about the food. But the violence made me want to vomit.
If he had not been driving today, I am certain he would have unleashed his wrath on Duke. And I am so weak that I do nothing. I tell him to stop or to leave the dogs alone. But I never challenge him and so his abuse continues.

I knew at that moment today in the car, with the full force of a hurricane, I married the wrong person. This is the reason I do not have children: the fear, the abuse, the violence. And I could feel a part of my spirit die.

I grew up in an abusive home- my mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. My father never came to our rescue. He placated her. Now as adults I watch my father abuse his dog, even tonight he did it again. Yet, when we tell him to stop he becomes defensive of his actions - it wasn't that bad, the dog needs to learn, he's going to knock me down and break my hip. All pathetic excuses. I now see the pattern known as my life.
I am feeling so disheartened and alone. I have no friends. I have no value. I believe my daily mantra, as told to me by my father, "you are fat, desperate and needy, and no one is ever going to love you."