Enraged with Duke whining and yipping on the ride to dad's house. It is 3 miles, about 7 minutes.
Halfway there he pulled car over to yell at him.
Four blocks later was so enraged he gripped the wheel with white knuckles, his face turned deep red, almost purple, and he screamed, that silent deadly scream.
He has hit him before. I woke one morning to the sound of his fists hitting him, 17 times that round, screaming "no!" over and over again. Why, because Duke had tiptoed over and got into Bear's food dish. Me? I could care less about the food. But the violence made me want to vomit.
If he had not been driving today, I am certain he would have unleashed his wrath on Duke. And I am so weak that I do nothing. I tell him to stop or to leave the dogs alone. But I never challenge him and so his abuse continues.
I knew at that moment today in the car, with the full force of a hurricane, I married the wrong person. This is the reason I do not have children: the fear, the abuse, the violence. And I could feel a part of my spirit die.
I grew up in an abusive home- my mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. My father never came to our rescue. He placated her. Now as adults I watch my father abuse his dog, even tonight he did it again. Yet, when we tell him to stop he becomes defensive of his actions - it wasn't that bad, the dog needs to learn, he's going to knock me down and break my hip. All pathetic excuses. I now see the pattern known as my life.
I am feeling so disheartened and alone. I have no friends. I have no value. I believe my daily mantra, as told to me by my father, "you are fat, desperate and needy, and no one is ever going to love you."
