5 hour nap

Three days off and you once again accomplished nothing.

No house or yard work. No cleaning up your side of the bed. The dirty washcloths you use to wipe off you face that sit for weeks on the bathroom counter. Nothing.

But you did get a nearly 5-hour nap in today. Then have the nerve to huff and puff and exasperated sigh putting away 5 items from dinner. That fucking sighing makes me want to scream! You have a nothing life. You go to work. Come home to a meal I cook every single night, watch TV, check Twitter, then go to bed. The weekend is literally you on the couch for 18 hours. You have nothing to sigh about. 

I clean and you lie around then mess up what I have done. Utter disgust and disrespect.

I am so done. I cannot do this anymore.

Nothing Says I love you....

Like being so lazy you can't put the TP on the roll.

How hard is it to wait?

I made soup and muffins today knowing I was going to be at a memorial service. I told you exactly when I would be home, 6:15pm. I walk in the door and you had eaten without me.

Are you fucking kidding me? You could not wait until I got home? It absolutely boggles my mind. Such an utterly selfish act and so disrespectful. 

But what else should I excpect?

Nothing.

That is what I should expect.

Nothing.

Screaming with rage

I have to get away from you. I cannot stand to be in the same space or room with you. I cannot look you in the eye. I have nothing nice or kind to say to or about you.

I scream at the top of my lungs. Rage fills me to overflowing. I shake with anger.

And you ask "What's for dinner?" 

You sit around. Lazy. Watching whatever you watch on you phone. No, allow me to clean house, take the dogs to the vet, go to the store, MAKE YOUR DINNER, pay the bills, cry myself to sleep every night. 

Two weeks ago you asked how my day was, shocked you asked and my instant response, "It fucking sucked." And you walked out of the room and checked your phone. 

I know I mean nothing to you. You told me 8 years ago that I was no longer worth your time or the effort. So will you not just fucking let me go?

Let me go.

Disgusting

Wash your fucking hands!

Use the bathroom?

Wash your fucking hands.

Come in from outside?

Wash your fucking hands.

Playing with the dogs?

Wash your fucking hands.

Taking off your shoes?

Wash your fucking hands.

Did I mention....

Wash your fucking hands!

You make me gag.

Because why would you

Want to have a conversation with me when you can tweet stupid memes and hashtag games?

Or sleep.

Home sick

So I have been home sick this week, feeling lousy. Today you come home having stopped at the store for 2 items. In you walk with 7 bags. Are you kidding me? The house is FULL of food and you buy more??

And you have not said two words to me. Not how are you feeling? How is Duke- who threw up 5 times today? Nothing. 

I am so fucking lonely. 

But sadly I really have no desire to talk to you either. 

20 years

Today is the 20th anniversary of our first date. That seems significant. Something you may want to acknowledge.

Sadly, we are not in a great place. We are nowhere really.

You say you love me but you actions scream something completely different.

I admit to being far from perfect and hard to love most days. But hurt people hurt people. And after 15 years of pain, neglect, emotion abuse I just don't have the energy to care.

How do I leave? How do I break away and heal?

Fat, desperate, and needy. That is what my father said to me on my wedding day. I let those words fester in my brain. Coupled with your neglect and disrespect I never stood a chance. 

I am scared of you. You have never hit me, that would mean you have to touch me. But your anger seethes just below the surface and I cannot do it anymore. The slamming of items, the hitting the dogs, the silent treatment. 

You claim to be tired and go to bed. Shut the door and when I come in a short while later you are on your phone. You turn it off the roll over and go to sleep. Who lies every night? Actually, why lie?

I really want to be loved completely. To be safe. To be cared for.

Don't bother asking.

You think you are being husband of the year when you ask, " how was your day?" 

Yet, when I respond with no energy "meh". And your response is to walk away don't bother asking. You obviously don't care about the answer or me.

Smokey Bear: a Love Story

My heart aches in ways I never knew were possible. I loved you heart and soul.
Your sudden death has left me numb and grief stricken.
I miss your sweet face, your happy dance, the way you pawed the floor when you got excited. I miss your sweet puppy smell, your floppy ear. The way you dropped your food on the floor, then were surprised to find these treats. Your sweet, sweet soul.